I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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