You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
