i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
