We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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