he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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