You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
