Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
