Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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