there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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