I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
