Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
