the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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