the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
