Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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