You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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