I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
