I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
