i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
