There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
