I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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