The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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