Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
