the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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