i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
