Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
