if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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