I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
