Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
