I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
