he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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