If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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