at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
