i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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