I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My vagina is officially offended.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
