textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize