I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
