I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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