I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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