Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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