I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
