I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
