I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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