Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
