I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
