omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
