The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
