I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
