I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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