6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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