help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
