Will you blow on my dice?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
