she woke up with a sticky ear
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
