Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
