She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
