she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize