took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
