The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
