Duck Duck Cougar?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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