pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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