Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
