I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
