If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
