There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
